I also graduate in a month! Yes, May 13th. I will be ALL DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER. Lol. This year I’ve had all A’s and B’s. Figures my last year I’d have remarkable grades. I only get six tickets to invite people to my graduation with though…which sucks, and no, we can’t buy any more. Really, really terrible. But I know for fact I’d like Nick to come, as long as my sister and her boyfriend. I guess I also want Kristy to come, and maybe my older brother Elijah (though I doubt this last one will ever happen). And I also want my mom to show up.  I mean…IF I move to Mississippi, I’d like to, you know, share this moment with her before she dies or something.

I was on ExperienceProject the other day, and I joined the IA Group, and I was going to share a story, but I had no idea what I wanted to write. I mean, what do I say? I’m practically unattached now to that site. I joined it because I wanted answers to who I was, what my purpose in life was. I felt like I was an Angel–one of God’s shedims of light–and I wanted it desperately to be true. My whole lifehad been nothing but one big identity crises. What was I doing with myself? Why was I here? What was my purpose? Who was I suppose to be?  Who was “Lexi”??? Then one day my friend Tyler told me he was a “demi-god”, and that the reason why he had started hanging out with me and telling me all those things is he felt like I was something like him too. And, unbelievable as it sounds, I belived in it. I don’t know if reincarnation and God’s reincarnating are really possible, but I believe that somehow, our imaginations aren’t as wild as we think. That there’s a reason sometimes that we believe, think, and feel the things we do. So when Tyler told me all those things, I thought maybe I was an angel, and maybe I always felt different because of it.

So I joined EP in hopes that I would find meaning. And a reason to be someone, to do something great, change my life, and live for someone else’s. I used it as a reason to hide behind all my self doubts. But being on EP didn’t  really solve anything for me. The more things I read and learned and the more people I knew and talked with, the more I felt like I was stuck, in a rut; a  girl with a powerful soul but no way to use it. So, I decided I needed to leave. I needed to figure out life for my own, and see if the poeple I had grown to know and love were worth it, and if I were worth it to myself. After I deleted my MYB, EP, Gmail, Yahoo, and deactivated my FB, I just hung out with my family, and looked around me at the world. Went to school. Repeat, repeat. Then one day I was smoking a cigarette outside watching a squirrel scurrying up a tree branch, and I saw  the world for what it really is: breathtaking. Everything about it. From the people to the buildings, the trees, it all was glorious. But especially the world as it was. God had created an amazing soul, one big enough and filled with so much compassion that it opened its heart and body to Mankind to exist on it. And we destroy it everyday. I thought to myself that it was terrible. How sad God must feel, so disconnected from the rest of us, when all He had ever wanted was the opposite. He had only wanted love and recognition. To feel a strand of His influence in our lives.

When I began thinking this way I began realizing that for many years I had felt the same way. That God and I were the same. And that I had always wanted us to share a personal closeness that transcended beyond religion. That was when i realized that the whole quest to figure out who I was and what origin my soul was of was only to strengthen and redefine this closeness, not only for God but also for myself, and for the world around me. Then I realized I had been looking in all the wrong places for answers. I went to EP and started with angels, when I should have started with the state of my heart, and the desires it wanted. Then it was like a lightbulb shone on the top of my head, and I understood something very, very, important, something many had been trying to argue on EP for years (but simply always used the wrong words to do so): that one did not need to be an angel to feel the things I felt. I didn’t need to resonate with something, a concept, an idea, of something otherworldly; because what I realized didn’t confirm, strenghen, or condemn those truths. I realized then that my soul’s originality didn’t matter in the matter of what I wanted to achieve spiritually. I didn’t need to tell myself I was an angel in order to want to be close to God, or find compassion for a race I had once tried to disown. To find myself, my identity, and the state of my heart, I did not need to measure it by the color of my wings, the aura around me, or the memories of a past life. I was me, I was in the world to help shape and save it, and I did not need to be an angel to do it.

However, these truths I’ve yet been able to share on EP! I didn’t know what I wanted to say the day I tried, and simply saved a draft . It is almost time to go home, and I’ve been typing this out most of the period, and haven’t even started my ResLife thing on usm.edu. I guess I want to go to USM because I want to be closer to Elijah. I really want to go to a college that has my interests though, you know? (: I want to write. I will be a writer someday. Published, and you all will want my autograph! Which reminds me,  that Ravian-Freedom-Eden story I talked about months back? I had to stop writing it because I got writer’s block and so I started a short story where they were human and it was a serial killer story. I was going to write it to get ideas flowing, wrote 62 pages, and it slightly worked! Wrote a bit of the fantasy story the other day, and I was happy.

Time to go though. Byee!

Dear Alexis:

Congratulations!  I am pleased to inform you that you have been admitted to The University of Southern Mississippi.  Listed below is the most current information on file in the Office of Admissions regarding your prospective enrollment at Southern Miss.

Date admitted:  3/6/2013

Intended semester of entry:  Fall 2013 – 2014

Major & emphasis*:   English & English BA

Now that you’re admitted, your next step is to sign up for Orientation, which is required for all new degree-seeking students.  You will receive further information in early spring about Orientation dates and how to sign up from the Office of the Admissions.

On behalf of the University, welcome to the Southern Miss family.  Please do not hesitate to contact the Office of Admissions if our office can be of assistance to you in any way.

Admissions | 601.266.5000 | admissions@usm.edu | www.usm.edu/admissions 

*If you would like to change your major prior to attending Orientation, you may do so by notifying the Office of Admissions at 601.266.5000.“

I’ve seen old mothers,
young mothers;
Mothers who always do right,
or always do wrongs

–all struggling to pave a road
for their children.
All struggling to lead the way.

But I’m afraid,
because I don’t want my struggle
to erase my memory
from my child’s heart.

The mother I once had
taught me that it’s okay
to grow up,
and aspire to do all things in the world
first.

To wait to be ready,
until I’m not a child too.

So someday when I’m older,
when I have seen the world
and made my dreams come true

–in those days I’ll be ready
to become a child’s memory.

copyright Marie Meyers, 2013

how can you not notice the chill that

dangles threads of your hair and coils them ’round your ear?

copyright Marie Meyers, 2013

When we was young, oh man, did we have fun

Always, always

Promises, they break before they’re made

Sometimes, sometimes

Oh, my-ex says I’m lacking in depth

I will do my best

You say you wanna stay by my side

Darlin’, your head’s not right

See, alone we stand, together we fall apart

Yeah, I think I’ll be alright

I’m working so I won’t have to try so hard

Tables, they turn sometimes

Oh, someday

No, I ain’t wastin’ no more time

And now my fears, they come to me in threes

So, I sometimes

Say, “Fate my friend, you say the strangest things

I find, sometimes”

Oh, my-ex says I’m lacking in depth

Say I will try my best

You say you wanna stay by my side

Darlin’, your head’s not right

See, alone we stand, together we fall apart

Yeah, I think I’ll be alright

I’m working so I won’t have to try so hard

Tables, they turn sometimes

Oh, someday

I ain’t wasting no more time

The incense’s cherry

glows, and is

the only indicator

that there’s light within the darkness.

The music

–a taunting lullaby in her ears–

as she holds herself,

and doesn’t fight the tears.

So many years,

she thinks,

have I done this;

telling myself Shhh.

Everything

will be okay.

The music plays,

as she whispers to herself again

–a wistful tune

that matches

the state of her heart;

the lyrics of

her broken spiritual.

copyright Marie Meyers, 2013. Inspired by “Secret”, performed by Maroon 5.

I didn’t really know you.

You were just another friend.

But when I got to know you…

I let my heart undend.

I can’t bare to think of my last memeories

It would only make me sad

So I had to forget my first love.

And give another try.

And now I love you.

And I don’t ever want to let you go

I love you more than ever.

I just had to let you know.

My feelings for you won’t change

Just know my feelings for you are true.

Just remember this one thing

I will always love you, Alexis.

copyright Nick Jones, 2013

As I lie in my bed,

Your name always in my head

All I can think of is you baby,

And everything that you do.

Like the way you look

Makes me feel like I’m dreaming,

You always brighten my day

Especially when I make you smile.

No longer are my days a trial

Your touch is like a heaven

If only you knew

That what I say is true

I would do anything just to be with you.

Just to hold you in my arms

I love you so much

I may be young, but my heart is strong.

I know what love is, it’s mine and hers name.

You make all my stress go away

No matter how my day was

Our heart to heart chats

When our beats connect,

And when my head starts to fade back

From when the blue sky

Turns sacred black.

Copyright Nick Jones, 2013

I lean back slowly,

anticipating the solid door.

Fingers numbing,

I bring the cigarette closer to my lips.

I cough once; twice.

Then pull the scarf tighter against my throat,

my eyes searching the sky.

The sun’s barely risen,

the winter night’s frost still

lingering against the grass;

but on the topside of the building across from me,

the sun’s rising rays

cast a shadow.

I hear a sound, I turn

–and see a squirell, scurrying on

a cable line.

I ash my cigarette and

walk across the street

to the bus stop,

where I perch myself on a house step.

I look up, and see a bird,

flying

–its wings fluttering,

then stilling

–in staccato

–and look to the trees,

wondering if the leaves that haven’t fallen

are still going through their cycle

with every breath I take.

If, perhaps, the leaves aren’t really dead

untill they fall.

copyright Marie Meyers, 2013